Twelve

BROUGHT TO LIGHT

“He’s here,” Buffy said, when they parked outside of Angel’s mansion.

“How do you know?” Xander said.

“I can smell him,” Buffy said. She got up slowly, careful not to disturb Faith’s sleep, and got out of the car. She leaned on the window, and looked in at Willow and Xander.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said. “But there’s no other way. Just remember he has his soul again. He’d never hurt you guys.”

Xander nodded. Willow looked straight ahead at the road.

Buffy stood in front of the mansion a moment, before going inside. She let her senses reach out.

She knew he was there; she smelled him. He smelled like a vampire.

She stood looking up at the mansion’s stony, brooding facade, and shivered in the cold breeze. The mansion rose up monolithically in the dark before her, a series of intricately ornamented, interlocking concrete blocks, built into an array of connected rectangular shapes that made it all look like a Mayan temple on the outside. It had always seemed mysterious and exciting and romantic, just like him, whenever Buffy had been there before...it always seemed as if there would be secrets there for the taking; a place where hidden knowledge was revealed, where the secrets of the universe would be made explicit, if only you knew the right questions to ask...

But Buffy knew that mansion fostered secrets instead of revealing them, and now it didn’t even look mysterious to her anymore: it looked like a pile of ugly, decaying stone. It looked like a crypt...a place to bury dead things.

The scent of jasmine greeted her on the cold breeze, wafting out from the interior courtyard. Angel liked jasmine.

His scent was still there; the jasmine couldn’t disguise it. He smelled like a vampire...like rotten meat. Buffy wondered how she had gone so long without really noticing that before. Or maybe she had, and she had always ignored it? Gotten used to it, somehow?

For just a second, she wanted to cry.

Faith’s scent came to her then. Faith always smelled a little fruity, with a slight muskiness underneath. “Like a peach, baby,” Buffy had whispered in her ear, when they’d made love in Faith’s motel room earlier that night. Buffy could detect Willow and Xander’s scents too, but Faith’s was stronger.

Buffy entered the mansion’s circular stone courtyard. Jasmine flowers, white with five petals each like little stars in the darkness, hung in pots all over and grew climbing everywhere along the granite walls, and the smell of it was strong and very sweet now, overpowering Angel’s smell; he wasn’t nearby. But Buffy knew she couldn’t lose his scent even if she wanted to. He was a vampire and his scent trail was like a neon sign to a Slayer.

She entered the mansion proper, her shoes echoing along the granite floors, and she hugged herself a little. It was cold. She felt like she was underground, walking through tunnels. The walls were stone decorated with mosaics of figures from Greek history and mythology and the ceilings were stone too, and very low. The air was stale. But Angel didn’t breathe.

She walked down the long main hallway, glancing at the mosaics as she went; she had never really noticed them before. They were beautiful, but she had only ever had eyes for Angel. She noticed them now, for the first time. She saw Apollo and Athena at war over Troy, and three-hundred Spartans at Thermopylae, braced for the final Persian advance. She saw minotaurs and nymphs, and Zeus throwing lightning bolts, and Poseidon sending storm clouds at ships over the sea. She saw the gods feasting together, laughing on the terrace of a golden palace on a mountaintop under a bright sun.

There were torches along the walls; Angel had them lit tonight. They were sandalwood and they were pungent when they were lit, and fragrant. But the torches didn’t warm that place, and the light was feeble. Buffy walked through the shadows, through the scent of sandalwood, toward the scent of rotten meat.

She came upon him in the room he liked to use as a study. Angel sat on the leather couch near the statue of Aphrodite, with a book in his hand. He sat very still as he read, serene and centered within himself. There was absolutely no wasted movement. To Buffy he always looked like he was meditating.

He was beautiful, Buffy thought: even now, after everything that had happened between them, he was still one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. He was like a statue of a god in repose. A mate for Aphrodite.

But Faith was even more beautiful, Buffy thought.

Buffy and Angel had kissed, naked together, on that couch; they liked it better than the bed. Under Aphrodite’s smiling gaze they had been naked in each other’s arms, and they had kissed, and told each other they loved each other, just a year ago...a lifetime ago now.

Angel was reading The Scarlet Letter. It was a battered old leather hardcover; the binding was broken and the cover was partially detached from it. Buffy had no doubt in her mind that he bought it for the modern equivalent of maybe twenty cents in a bookstore somewhere in Europe sometime in the nineteenth century and had lugged it around with him for a hundred years; that’s just the way he was. He still had tickets to a ballet he had seen in 1890 and he still had his old riding cloak that Buffy had tried on three occasions to throw away and he didn’t understand why bread didn’t cost a nickel no matter how many times Buffy tried to explain to him about inflation. Angel didn’t get inflation.

The book had gilt edges that Buffy knew would be real gold. It was old and damaged but still beautiful in its way, like him.

He wore stylish black pants that fit him well and black shoes and a maroon silk shirt and his hair was perfect as always, and he looked ridiculously handsome. But he still smelled like rotten meat.

“It’s been awhile,” he said. He didn’t look up from his book.

“I’ve been...busy,” Buffy said. “We need to talk.”

“I know,” he said, finally looking at her. He reached out, and took her hand for a moment. He needed to make sure she was solid.

It was awkward; somewhere between a handshake and a caress. Time was, he would have taken her in his arms and kissed her instead.

He knew he couldn’t do that anymore.

“Have a seat,” he said.

She sat in one of the leather chairs.

He looked at her. He waited.

Angel never really initiated conversations, and Buffy wished just this one goddamned time that he would. But he didn’t. He just looked at her, and waited, as always. Angel was always consistent. Buffy always knew what she was getting, with Angel. Until one day she woke up, and he had lost his soul, and his eyes when he looked at her had nothing in them anymore...not one single thing.

Buffy knew Angel could smell Faith all over her. Buffy knew that he knew about her and Faith. But he didn’t say anything, and he waited.

“There are these new vamps,” Buffy said. “I came to warn you, and ask for your help.”

“Tell me,” he said.

“We ran into them in King’s Park Cemetery. They must have a hideout underground there. There were more than a hundred of them. They look like wolves, and they all have these tattoos...”

“The Vigil of Saint Vigeous.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said, and grinned. “It’s kind of annoying how you always know everything. What happened to the French poetry by the way?”

“Got kinda tedious after awhile,” he said. “Translating was a bitch.”

“After how long awhile?”

“End of the first poem.”

“You hung in there though.”

“Yeah. It’s one of the things I know how to do. Unfortunately the poetry never got any less annoying.”

“Scarlet Letter, huh? Never read that one...though actually I think maybe I was supposed to. Maybe in tenth grade. What’s it about?”

“Sin. Tell me more about the vampires. They attacked you?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said. “Like a hundred of them. They wanted this rock thingie that’s actually like a Key? And Giles says it can release the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

“Did they get it?” Angel said, leaning forward now, his tone suddenly very urgent.

“No. These vamps were delivering it--normal vamps, not the Vigil guys--and the Vigil guys had these four like, priests with them?”

“Did the priests have gold pendants around their necks? A sword, a wand, a cup, a pentacle?”

“Yeah, thought I saw some kind of gold bling around their necks. Didn’t get too close a look though. Anyway Will did like this smoke spell and we were able to steal the Key and get the hell out of there. But it was close and we almost all got killed. At first there were only like a dozen of the wolf guys but then once the smoke cleared there were more than a hundred. Plus they’re tougher than regular vamps too. If Will didn’t throw up an energy shield it would’ve been over. And it gets worse. Twenty of them came after Willow at the Bronze, they wanted to kidnap her for some reason. I wasn’t there, I was down at Willy’s smacking him around at the time. If Faith hadn’t been with Willow I would’ve lost her. I need your help. These guys are still after us, and--”

“Faith. The other Slayer.”

“Yeah.”

“How are you two doing? You told me it was rough at first.”

“We...we’re getting better. We don’t fight so much now. I think it was just, y’know, two Slayers together...”

Angel thought of Buffy and Faith together. He saw them in his mind, together.

She spent her afternoon kissing Faith’s feet and eating her pussy by the way. Seriously, not lying. She got down on her knees and kissed Faith’s feet for awhile and told her she wanted to worship her back in Faith’s motel room, and then she ate Faith’s pussy...

Angel tried to dismiss the image from his mind. He tried to ignore Faith’s scent on Buffy...on her lips.

“What do you need me to do?” he said.

“These wolf guys walked right into the Bronze, they’re not afraid of public displays of grumpiness,” Buffy said. “For all I know they’ll attack my house. Faith took them down but she’s hurt and needs to recover. I need you at the house. Don’t worry, my Mom’s gone for a couple weeks. Will and Xander and Faith are staying with me until we figure this out.”

“Is Faith okay?” Angel said.

“She’s pretty beat up,” Buffy said. “Broken bones, fractured skull, a bad slash took a chunk out of her stomach. But she’s tough. She’ll be okay, she just needs time.”

She ate Faith’s pussy for forty-two straight minutes. Seriously, I clocked her. The girl might be absolutely clueless when it comes to sucking dick but damn, can she eat a peach...

Angel tried to center himself.

“Good,” he said. “They’ll try for the Key.”

“They need to do the ceremony at sunset on the seventeenth,” Buffy said.

“Last day of the waning moon.”

“And again with the knowing everything.”

“A lot of ceremonies include it. It became really fashionable for awhile, it was the cool new thing. Nowadays it’s just kinda quaint.”

“Problem is there’s a last day of the waning moon every month forever and Giles doesn’t think the Key can be destroyed. With these Vigil guys still out there I need you.”

“Do you?” Angel said.

“I just said so,” Buffy said.

He got up, and walked to the statue of Aphrodite.

“I’ve been thinking about moving to Los Angeles, Buffy,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about leaving.”

“Leaving?” Buffy said. “Why?”

“I can’t...I can’t be what you need,” he said, still looking at Aphrodite, and not turning around. “I can’t give you what you deserve.”

She leaped up out of the chair and ran to him.

“I don’t want you to leave!” she shouted. She spun him around. “You... you can’t just...just leave me again!”

“Buffy...are you gonna talk to me about Faith?” Angel said. “Or are you gonna make me actually ask the question?”

“I have to go in there,” Willow said.

She had been looking straight out at the street the entire time. She hadn’t said a word until this moment.

“What?” Xander said. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m still afraid of him, Xander,” Willow said. “I’m tired of being afraid.”

She got up, and left the car.

“Hey!” he shouted, and jumped out of the car and ran around to her and grabbed her arm. “What are you...what are you doing?”

“Getting past this,” Willow said, and tried to walk away from him. But he didn’t let go of her.

“Then I’m going with you,” he said.

“No,” she said. “One of us has to stay with Faith. It’s night and it’s dangerous around here and vampires can get in the car.”

“If I’m not going in there you’re sure as hell not,” Xander said.

She looked at him.

“Do you know how much I love you?” she said, and stroked his cheek, and brushed the hair out of his eyes. “How much I always have? How I’d do anything for you?”

“Then do this for me,” Xander said. “Don’t...don’t go in there alone. Please. I don’t want him...near you, without me around. The things he said...”

“Those things are why I have to go in there and face him alone. I’m afraid all the time, Xander,” she said. “I can’t live, being afraid of him. Having nightmares. You’ve seen me wake up screaming a couple of times. I can’t do it. I can’t live like this. If you love me you’ll let me...you’ll let me do this, sweetie. You’ll let me help myself.”

“Please. I don’t...I don’t want you there with him. Buffy said he’d stay away, that he’d stay out of sight and avoid us at the house.”

“If I don’t do this I’ll be afraid of him for the rest of my life, Xander. I’ve done stuff for you. If you really love me as much as I love you, you’ll do this for me. Please, baby. Let me...you gotta let me do this.”

He let go of her arm. She kissed him.

“Thanks,” she said, and walked away.

Then she turned to him, and smiled.

“Still kicking your ass later,” she said.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said.

“Do you love her?” Angel said. They sat on the couch now, holding hands.

“Yeah,” Buffy said. “She’s...in my heart, Angel. We’ve...slept together.”

“Kinda guessed that part from her scent being all over you. Didn’t think you liked girls.”

“Everyone keeps saying that. For the record, I didn’t think so either. Can’t wait for the conversation with my Mom.”

“Joyce will understand. All she wants is for you to be happy.”

“Maybe. But there’s gonna be a whole lotta freaking out first. Still, no condom lecture. That’ll be a nice change of pace.”

“Does Faith love you?”

“I think so. I hope so.”

“Does she make you happy?”

She hugged him.

“Yeah,” Buffy whispered, with tears in her eyes.

He held her. But Buffy thought his hands felt cold.

“I didn’t...I didn’t mean to, Angel,” Buffy said. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Angel said. “You’re happy, Buffy. That’s all that matters. That’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”

“What about...what about you?” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “Don’t you get anything? Don’t you...get to be happy?”

“No,” Willow said.

Buffy and Angel looked up.

Willow was standing in the doorway, looking at them.

Her eyes were black.

“Will....what...?” Buffy said, as she and Angel stood up.

“Willow,” Angel said.

I felt only contempt for most of you...but there are some I’ve always found interesting. You interest me, Angel.

Only one other person in the world right now interests me more.

“Hey, lover,” Willow said, and smiled. “Miss me? Miss your old, y’know, tied up in the closet girl?”

“Will,” Buffy said, and stepped between Willow and Angel, and shuddered when she saw those black, black eyes....

“What?” Willow said, without looking at her.

“Look, I know there’s...I know Angelus said stuff to you,” Buffy said. “But you know Angel’s got his soul back now. You gave it to him. You know he wouldn’t...he wouldn’t ever...”

Willow walked away from her. She looked around the room.

“Nice,” Willow said, looking at everything in the room. “Chandelier’s a bit much, but yeah, it’s sorta you. Walls could use a little something. Maybe a rug too. But hey, fireplace? Nice. And I really like the Aphrodite statue. I mean, alabaster? Can’t go wrong with alabaster.” She made a circuit of the room, and ended up standing in front of a closet. She opened it, and looked inside. There was nothing in there.

“Is this my closet?” Willow said. “Is this where you were gonna do it to me? I don’t see a pillow in here. Dru got a pillow.”

Buffy looked at Angel, her face suddenly pale. He couldn’t meet her eyes.

She stepped away from him.

She stood in the center of the room, halfway between Willow and Angel.

“Willow...what...are you doing?” Buffy said. “Please talk to me. Please?”

“Aw, sure, sweetie, let’s talk,” Willow said, and turned to her, and smiled. “Always up for, y’know, a good talk with my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Hey, let’s talk about Faith. If she wakes up out there, exactly how many seconds do you think it will take her to figure out there’s a vampire in here and then run in and try to kill him?”

“She’s...asleep,” Buffy said.

“You better hope so,” Willow said. “Because Xander sure can’t slow a Slayer down, I don’t care how hurt she is. And y’know what? I’m thinking he won’t even try. She wakes up, she’ll hop all the way in here on one foot to dust your fucking boyfriend.”

It was the first time Buffy had ever heard Willow swear.

“Will...you....you know Angel isn’t evil anymore,” Buffy said, and slowly walked toward her. “You know all that stuff...it was just because he lost his soul.”

“Hey, you wanna see something nifty?” Willow said, and held out her hand. “Look what I just figured out how to do!”

The fire in the fireplace suddenly leapt straight into Willow’s hand, and formed itself into a ball. Buffy gasped, and immediately ran in front of Angel, blocking his body with hers.

“Hey, I thought we were gonna talk, Buffy?” Willow said. “Pretty one-sided conversation so far.”

“Buffy, go sit down,” Angel said. “This is...about me.”

“No,” Buffy said.

“Aw that’s so sweet,” Willow said. “Our little Buffy, all standin’ up for her man. Would you choose him over me, Buffy? Over Xander, Giles? Your Mom? Would you choose him over Faith? If you had to decide, right now...who would you choose?”

“Buffy, get out of the way!” Angel said, and tried to push her aside. Buffy didn’t move.

“No!” Buffy shouted, not taking her eyes off Willow.

“Bored now,” Willow said. “Wait, I know how to liven up the conversation. Hey Buffy, wanna know a secret? Me and Angel, we got a secret.”

“Will...what...?” Buffy said.

“Hey lover,” Willow said, smiling at Angel. “Tell her what happened in the car.”

Angel looked straight at Willow...and didn’t say a word.

“C’mon, don’t you remember?” Willow said. “I do. I remember every single second.”

Willow’s smile disappeared.

“I have nightmares,” Willow said. “Every night.”

“Willow...I’m...” Angel started.

“Don’t you say you’re sorry to me or I swear to the Goddess I will fucking burn you to death,” Willow said.

She turned away from them and paced around the room some more, balancing the fireball in her hand. She ended up back at the closet. She looked inside again. It was dark, and small. The light from the fireball revealed it...but there was nothing there.

“Nothing,” Willow said. “That’s what...what I was gonna be.”

Buffy approached her, came as close to her as she could. The heat from the fireball in Willow’s hand affected the air around it, distorting it in waves.

“Will...” Buffy said.

“I’m not gonna hurt you, Buffy. I could never hurt you,” Willow said, with her back turned to her...still looking in the closet. “Stop...y’know, acting all scared of me. It’s freaking me out.”

“I know, Will,” Buffy said. “I know you’d never hurt me. But...you’re really scaring me. I’m worried. Not about me. I’m worried about you, Will.”

Willow turned, and Buffy backed away from her, as the heat from the fireball scorched the air around her. “Wanna see a neat trick, Buffy?” Willow said. “Check this out.”

And Willow extended her hand...

And the fireball shot out of her hand like a rocket, straight at Angel.

“NO!” Buffy screamed, thinking to jump in front of it, but the fireball was already across the room before she could even move...

Angel didn’t move. Didn’t even blink...

The fireball stopped, a foot from Angel’s heart. It stopped, and remained there, suspended in the air in front of him.

“Made you look,” Willow said.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Buffy screamed. “Please, Will! Please don’t do this.”

“‘Please’,” Willow said. “That was Angel’s favorite word. That’s the word he wanted me to say. Y’know, when I was all, tied up in the closet. He was--”

“Will! You have to stop this!” Buffy shouted.

“I’M TALKING NOW!” Willow screamed, and waved her arm through the air. Buffy was instantly hurled the length of the room. But she landed on one of the leather chairs without being hurt.

“Buffy!” Angel shouted, and tried to move, but the fireball flared, and moved with him, holding him back.

“Interrupting is, y’know, kinda rude, Buffy. So sit, ’kay, sweetie?” Willow said. “There’s an energy shield in front of you. Don’t touch it.”

Buffy stood up. “Will...what...what did you...?” she said.

“You keep interrupting,” Willow said. “It’s kinda pesky. You needed a time-out.”

Buffy took her stake out of her boot and reached out with it. Sparks flashed through the air in front of her. Buffy looked at Angel. She looked into Willow’s black eyes.

“Will,” Buffy said. “Please don’t do this. Please?”

“Stay away from the shield, okay, Buffy?” Willow said. “Don’t touch it, it can hurt you. Okay?”

“Willow,” Angel said.

Willow turned to him, and smiled. Angel looked into her eyes. It was like looking down the barrel of a gun.

“Yes, lover?” Willow said.

“Do me a favor,” Angel said.

Willow’s eyes widened. Her mouth became a little perfect circle.

Then she burst out laughing.

She laughed hysterically, doubled-up, hardly able to breathe...

“Oh my...oh Goddess, oh Goddess, that is just...that is just priceless,” Willow said, gasping, her cheeks red. “Priceless! A favor. Do you a favor.”

She laughed like Willow. The laugh was loud, and goofy, and infectious. It was innocent. Despite the situation, it made Buffy smile...like it always did.

When she finally had her laughter under control, Willow looked Angel in the eyes again. “I gotta hand it to you, lover,” she said. “You do know how to surprise a girl. Asking for a favor. From me. From the closet girl. While my fireball is a second away from barbecuing your undead ass. You’ve got balls, Angel. Big ones, to go with that big dick. Okay. Just because you had the balls to ask, yeah. A favor, sure. Anything you want baby, just name it. C’mon, swing for the fences, baby! Gimme your best shot.”

“Don’t hurt Buffy,” Angel said. “Do what you have to do with me. Leave her out of this.”

“That’s the favor?” Willow said.

“Yeah,” Angel said.

Willow shook her head, and walked away from him. She walked back to the closet, and stood in front of it with her back turned to him.

“Waste of a favor,” she said. “I’d never hurt Buffy. I’d die first.”

Willow sat down on the floor in the closet, in the dark, and looked out at them. The shadows swallowed her.

But Buffy could still see Willow’s black eyes...

“Angel...Angelus...came up on me in the parking garage at the mall one night,” Willow said. “My Mom was out of town so I had her car. He was so fast... I didn’t even see him move. He was just...suddenly there. I tried to get away but... he smashed the window, got in the car.”

“Willow, you...don’t have to sit in there,” Angel said.

“He made me take him down by the old train tracks,” Willow said. “He put his arm around me as I drove. I was wearing a skirt and he said I looked pretty in it. He...touched my leg. His hands were cold. He talked to me as I drove, with his arm around me. He told me what he was planning on doing to me. Not then, not that night, but soon.”

Buffy looked down at the floor.

She was thinking of a number.

“When we got to the train tracks, Drusilla was there,” Willow said. “She... she called me ‘red robin’. She made me sit in the back seat with her, and she held my hand.”

Buffy felt Willow’s eyes on her. She looked back up at them. They looked like two holes had been cut out of the world.

“Do you know what Angelus did to Dru?” Willow said. “You’ve talked to her, Buffy, you know Dru’s insane. Do you know how she got that way?”

“No,” Buffy said.

“Never told her, huh Angel?” Willow said, and looked at him. “Gee, I wonder why.”

Angel looked away from her.

“Darla found Dru, in England in 1860,” Willow said. “Dru was special, because she had psychic visions. Darla thought Angelus would be interested in Dru. It’s one of the things Darla did for Angelus. She found him victims. Girls to rape and murder. Darla led Angelus to Dru, and he was fascinated with her. So instead of just raping Dru and killing her like all the rest, he wanted to turn her. And before he did, he wanted to drive her insane. So that when he finally did turn her, that pain she felt would be preserved forever, and she’d never be released from it, never have any rest from it. She would be his greatest achievement. His masterpiece. That’s what he called her. His masterpiece.”

Willow looked around at the closet. She touched the walls. Then she looked back down at the floor.

“Darla managed to get them invited into Dru’s house,” Willow said. “They killed the servants, beat the father and the mother and tied up Dru and her two sisters. The father they locked in the attic. The mother they stripped naked, and then they put a dog collar and a leash on her. They kept Olivia like that for months, on a leash and down on all fours like a dog, and they made Dru and her sister Cassie take her for walks in the yard every night. They didn’t allow Olivia to talk in front of her daughters. They didn’t ever let her stand up or wear clothes. She had to crawl around like a dog and go to the bathroom by a tree in the yard, while Dru and Cassie held her leash. Oh yeah, plus Angelus raped her too, of course. I mean, hey, perfectly good woman right there, might as well rape her, right? Made Olivia blow him in front of her daughters.”

“Why...why are you telling me this stuff?” Buffy said.

“Maybe because Slayers shouldn’t fuck vampires,” Willow said.

Buffy’s face turned red. She looked down at the floor.

“Buffy,” Willow said.

Buffy looked up at her again.

“I’m sorry,” Willow said. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Buffy said. “Finish the story.”

“Drusilla had two sisters, Veronica and Cassie,” Willow said. “Dru was the oldest, Veronica was a few years younger, and Cassie was the youngest; she was sixteen. Dru and Cassie were sort of shy. Dru wrote poetry and collected dolls. Cassie painted.”

Willow smiled.

“Cassie was a wonderful painter,” Willow said. “If she’d lived she could have been one of the all-time greats. She did a lot of portraits but her landscapes were even better, they were beautiful. Her stuff was like, impressionist, sort of? Except she came up with her style independently, before the impressionists started exhibiting their stuff in public. She was a genius. She could have been the next Cézanne, the next Goya. She was only sixteen and her stuff was already amazing. If she’d lived, she would’ve been...”

Willow’s smile disappeared.

“But she didn’t,” Willow said. “None of them did. Angelus figured out the family dynamic pretty quickly, he always could read people. He planned to use Dru’s family against her. He saw that Dru was closest to Cassie. Neither of them was close to Veronica; Veronica was sort of a tomboy and she had no time for art or poetry or dolls or being girly. She was always out with their father. Veronica didn’t like Cassie much and she couldn’t stand Dru, not just because they were different but because their parents were worried about Dru’s visions and the local priest told them Dru’s visions came from the Devil. Veronica always sided with her father, and her father wanted to send Dru away to a convent.”

Willow hugged herself, and looked down at the floor again.

“Dru’s Dad, he didn’t love her,” Willow said. “He beat on her. He beat on her for just...just for...for no reason. He used to always just...hit her.”

There were tears in Willow’s eyes now. She looked up at Buffy.

“Parents...they shouldn’t...they shouldn’t hit their kids,” Willow said. “They shouldn’t. Dru never did anything bad. She tried to be good, tried to be what they wanted but her Dad, he always kicked the shit out of her. He smacked her around, y’know? He beat on her real bad. He...”

Fuckin’ little twat, Willow heard.

She shook her head like there were mosquitoes buzzing around it.

Always causin’ trouble since the day I shit you out.

“Will?” Buffy said. But Willow could barely hear her.

Teach you to fuckin’ talk back to me you worthless little...

Willow held her head in her hands, and tried to concentrate. She felt Buffy’s eyes on her; she felt Buffy’s concern. She felt Angel’s eyes on her too. But he was just confused...Willow felt like she was in deep water now, sinking... she felt cold. She saw herself, fading away, down into the shadows under the water. She could only catch a glimpse of herself, now; she thought if she lost that glimpse, she’d be gone... she’d be gone forever.

Willow felt herself starting to panic.

Suddenly, there wasn’t enough air. She was drowning. She couldn’t breathe...

She thrashed around, and reached out...for something, anything, to hold onto...some way to keep her head above the water...

She couldn’t breathe...

It’s all right, Rebecca said.

Willow looked up. Angel’s mansion was gone. She was in Rebecca’s kitchen, in her nightgown. Rebecca knelt in front of her, holding her hand.

Willow didn’t feel like she was drowning anymore. She held onto Rebecca’s hand, as tight as she could. Rebecca’s hand was strong. Willow knew Rebecca wouldn’t let go.

Rebecca hugged her, and pulled her from the water.

You’ll always have a place with me, Rebecca said. You’ll always be my girl. I won’t stop caring about you. I won’t. Do you understand?

Willow nodded. She was still shaking a little. But she felt better now...she wasn’t in the water anymore. She felt the earth beneath her feet again...

She knew where she was again. The room was coming back to her now. She could see Buffy, coming into view now. Rebecca was still there, kneeling in front of her and smiling, but she was fading away...

That’s my girl, Rebecca said.

Rebecca hugged her again, and kissed her cheek. Willow felt it...it felt warm. Rebecca always felt warm.

Willow smiled.

“Will...?” Buffy said. “Are you okay?”

Rebecca faded away. Willow looked back at Buffy.

She remembered Buffy’s scent...jasmine. She remembered holding her in her arms, and kissing the back of her neck...

The memories weren’t hers. But they were still part of her...and they always would be...

Willow set the memories aside, and made herself focus.

“Um...yeah...so...um...Angelus knew Cassie was the key,” Willow said. “Cassie was the one Drusilla loved most. Angelus raped and killed Veronica, because he didn’t need her. But he made Dru watch him do it, made her watch him tear her throat out. Meanwhile they kept Olivia on the leash like a dog, and they kept the father--Arthur--locked in the attic, where Darla tortured him every day. Cassie stayed with Darla, and they didn’t torture Cassie, because Angelus had something else in mind for her, and because Darla liked Cassie anyway. She wanted to turn her. And, all this time? Right from the first day? Angelus kept Dru tied up in a closet in her bedroom. He only untied her and let her out to eat, and wash, and use the bathroom...and to rape her. He raped her every day. He made her live in a closet and he raped her every day.”

Willow looked at Angel. Angel looked back, into her black eyes...

Only one other person in the world right now interests me more, he heard the First saying.

And it’s all your fault, baby...

“One-hundred and thirty-one days,” Willow said. “That’s how long Dru lived in that little dark closet. Pretty soon she was hearing voices and whispering to herself and biting the walls. Even more than what Angelus and Darla did to her family, that closet is what broke Dru...living in the dark, only being let out for an hour here and there to watch her mother being walked on a leash like a dog, or to be raped...it broke her mind, eventually. She held out as long as she could. She tried to be strong, for Cassie. But you broke her. In the end you broke her.”

“Yeah,” Angel said.

Willow looked back at Buffy.

“After Veronica, they killed the father next; but first they forced him to tell Drusilla he didn’t love her and that he was giving her away to Angelus to be her new father,” Willow said. “After Arthur said that, Angelus tied him to a tree and whipped him to death, and made Dru whip him too. Darla was taking some of Cassie’s blood every day by then, and y’know how Dru can hypnotize people? Um, y’know, since she almost killed us both with it last spring.”

Buffy nodded.

“Darla could do it too,” Willow said. “All the females of the Master’s bloodline can do it. Guess it’s lucky for us the males can’t. Darla took Cassie’s blood every day and implanted hypnotic suggestions in her mind. She convinced her that she and Angelus were her parents and that Olivia was a dog. Angelus got around to having sex with Cassie eventually--hey, you knew that was coming, right? But he was gentle with her; Darla made him be gentle. He was gentle with Dru, too. He never hit Dru, never hurt her physically. And trust me, that was a rare thing. Angelus liked to beat up girls. When Angelus raped and killed Veronica in front of Dru, Veronica had a broken arm and she was missing some teeth. Nope, no walks on the beach for Veronica. No flowers braided in her hair.”

Buffy’s face became red again.

“After that it was just Dru and Cassie and their mother, and Dru and Cassie had to walk their mother like a dog every night,” Willow said. “Seeing Olivia naked and crawling on a leash and shitting like a dog in the yard was a lot more effective against Dru and Cassie than just killing her would have been. Darla really wanted Cassie to see that every night, to finally break the bond between Cassie and her mother, so Darla could be her new mother. But Angelus had his own plan, that he wasn’t telling Darla about. Darla thought she would turn Cassie, but Angelus planned on using Cassie against Dru; Cassie was going to be the last thing, the thing that pushed Dru over the edge.”

Tears fell down Willow’s cheeks.

“It worked,” she whispered.

Willow wiped her tears away.

“Angelus planned on letting Dru escape from the closet,” Willow said. “Her father kept a gun in the house, always loaded, and Dru knew about it. It had been more than two months by then, and Dru was insane, but part of her was still holding on, for Cassie. By then Darla decided Cassie needed to be with a man--Cassie was a virgin--so that’s when Angelus had sex with Cassie. After that, Darla killed Olivia; she didn’t need her anymore by then. She buried Olivia alive in the yard. Angelus told Dru about it, as he sat by her closet door. He always sat by the closet door and listened to Dru. He told her they put the dog to sleep.”

Angel remembered Drusilla’s closet door...he remembered her sweet honey whispers. Those days spent sitting by her closet had passed so quickly...he missed them. He missed Drusilla’s voice, and her rose scent.

“Dru knew Angelus was having sex with Cassie,” Willow said. “They all had dinner together every night by then, as if they were like, a real family? Y’know, instead of like, two girls and the vampires who were raping and killing them. At dinner the day after Angelus had sex with Cassie that first time, Dru could see something was going on between them. It was the thing she feared the most. After dinner Angelus took the rope off Dru’s hands when he put her in the closet, and he didn’t prop the chair against the door. He knew she’d walk out and she did, just in time to see him having sex with Cassie again.”

Willow looked straight at Angel. The fireball in front of Angel flared, grew larger.

“Will...don’t...?” Buffy said. Willow ignored her, and looked at Angel.

“Dru got the gun,” Willow said. “She tried to get Cassie out of there. She had lived in a closet for more than two months and let a soulless fucking monster rape her every day, just to have that one chance, that one chance to save her little sister, who she loved more than anything else in the world.”

Willow was crying now.

“You took all the bullets out of the revolver...all but one,” Willow said. “You knew what Drusilla would do...you knew she’d kill her sister to keep her out of your hands...and she did. She did.”

Willow looked down at the floor, and held her head in her hands for a moment.

“Will?” Buffy said. “Are you...are you okay, baby?”

Willow shook her head.

“I didn’t...Dru...Dru didn’t say a word after that,” Willow said. “Angelus kept her in the closet another couple of months. She was in there for a hundred and thirty-one days all together, by the time he finally turned her. But she never talked again, after she killed Cassie. After she killed Cassie, Dru was dead too.”

Willow looked back up at Buffy. The tears were streaming down Willow’s face now; she didn’t bother trying to wipe them away anymore.

“When Angelus had me down by the train tracks he said he was gonna kidnap me,” Willow said. “Not then, but soon. I wouldn’t know when, but I wouldn’t be able to stop it. He said he was gonna take me and bring me somewhere, and strip me naked, and, and, tie me up and lock me in a closet. He said he would rape me, every single day, because he thought I was cute and because I look like I give great head and I’d love his big dick. And I could never leave the closet. I’d have to live in the closet.”

Buffy held her head in her hands, and started to cry.

“He said he’d take some of my blood, every day,” Willow said. “To get me used to it, and he...um...he...he was gonna...make me watch while he killed Xander and my parents and Giles and everyone I loved. He said I was...I was the new Dru. I was gonna be his next masterpiece. Dru held my hand in the back seat while Angelus told me all this stuff. She called me ‘red robin’. That’s what she always used to call Cassie. Cassie had red hair and green eyes, like me. While Angelus told me this stuff, Drusilla was crying.”

Willow sat in the closet, in the dark, with tears streaming down her cheeks. Buffy sat in the chair, holding her head in her hands and sobbing. Angel stood motionless, staring straight ahead, at nothing.

“He said there was no way to stop any of this, that it was gonna happen, that it was inevitable,” Willow said. “His voice was soft when he talked, not all, y’know, snarky and sarcastic and yelling the way he usually was. He caressed my hair. He told me this was for real, that it wasn’t just another mind-game to screw with us, that he wasn’t playing around, that it was gonna happen and that I needed to prepare myself. He told me he’d had his eye on me for a long time and he’d always wanted to do this. He said that some things are just...just meant to be.”

Willow’s black eyes looked out at Buffy, from the shadows. Buffy looked back at them.

“That some things are just gonna happen, no matter how hard we try to stop them,” Willow said. “They’re inevitable.”

Willow’s eyes were blacker than the darkness around her....they were absolute black. The absence of light.

“He said he was gonna capture you by taking Joyce hostage and luring you here,” Willow said. “He was gonna give you a choice. Step into the chains he had waiting for you on the wall or he’d rip Joyce’s throat out in front of you. After he had you chained up he was gonna beat you every day and rape you in front of me every day and make me watch. He was gonna...he was gonna...make me join in. He said I’d join in, because if I didn’t he’d, he’d, just kill you right there. He was gonna let Joyce go, because he figured you’d make him promise anyway in exchange for letting him have you and he wanted her to live with the knowledge that you being captured was all her fault.”

Buffy looked up at Angel. He didn’t look back at her. His scent came to her. Rotten meat.

“He said...said after he was done...beating you and, and, making me help him rape you he was gonna...gonna turn me,” Willow said, and started to tremble. “Either that, or he’d make me live in the closet for the rest of my life. He said...if I...if I said ‘please’? He’d let me out of the closet and turn me. And then...he was gonna...he was gonna make me...make me be the one who kills you.”

Buffy was still looking at Angel. He had tears in his eyes now too.

“And then...and then...Angelus...he had Dru...look in my eyes,” Willow said. “She...she said she was sorry as she did it, she was crying as she did it. But she...she made me look in her eyes and...held my hand and...”

Willow held her head in her hands, and looked down at the floor again. Both of her hands were shaking now.

All the color drained from Buffy’s face.

Buffy felt something in her stomach...a cold thing.

“Angelus said...he said...he was gonna give me a taste. A taste of what was coming,” Willow said. “And Dru...she looked in my eyes and hypnotized me and she made me...she made me...read her memories. All her memories, from the day Angelus and Darla walked into her house. But...not just read them. She...I don’t know how she was able to do it but she...it’s like she forced them into my head and...she made me...she made me...live them.”

“No,” Buffy whispered, and shook her head, and started to cry again.

“I lived Drusilla’s memories, every second of them, as if they were happening to me,” Willow said. “I was...I was in the closet. I was in the closet. I lived in the closet for a hundred and thirty-one days.”

“No, baby,” Buffy whispered, still shaking her head.

Willow looked up at her.

“I still remember it all,” Willow said. “I remember walking Olivia on her leash. I remember how bad Olivia smelled, because they never let her take a bath. I remember whipping Arthur. I remember the look in Veronica’s eyes, when Angelus killed her in front of me. I remember Darla’s perfume. I remember killing Cassie. I remember...I remember...Angelus raping me every day.”

“No, baby,” Buffy whispered. “No, no...”

“I remember,” Willow said. “I remember, I remember. I remember it all...”

Willow closed her eyes, and held her head in her shaking hands, and cried, her whole body trembling now.

“I’m afraid, Buffy!” Willow screamed. “I’m afraid of him, I have, I have nightmares. Nightmares of him saying it’s gonna happen and I can’t stop him and...I’m...I’m afraid of my closet. I can’t...I can’t hang my clothes up anymore.”

The fireball hovering in front of Angel disappeared. Angel didn’t move.

“I’m afraid,” Willow whispered, crying.

Buffy leaped up and ran straight for her. The energy shield was gone, but she hadn’t even thought about it and didn’t even realize it was gone until after she reached Willow. Buffy skidded to a halt and dropped to her knees on the floor in front of Willow, and took her in her arms.

Buffy pulled her from the closet, and brought her into the light, and shut the closet door.

And she held Willow in her arms, and they cried on the floor together.

“I love you,” Buffy whispered. “I love you, Will. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Willow nodded. “I love you too,” she whispered.

“He won’t help,” Buffy said. “Okay? He won’t come to the house. We’ll, we’ll do it without him. We’ll figure something else out. You’ll never, never see him again. I promise. Never again.”

Willow looked up at her. Her eyes were green again.

“No,” Willow said. “We need him, Buffy.”

“No. We’ll find another way,” Buffy said.

“You have to let me be strong, Buffy,” Willow said. “You have to let me stop being afraid. You have to let me face this. If I don’t face this, if I don’t face him? Then I can never make it past him.”

“But...I...I want to protect you, baby,” Buffy said.

“I know,” Willow said. “It’s part of why I love you.” Willow wiped the tears from her eyes. “But, protect me, protect us too much? And we can’t ever become strong. We need to be strong, Buffy. We need you to let us be strong.”

Willow got up. Buffy didn’t let go of her. She stood up with Willow, with her arms still around her.

“If not we’ll lose, Buffy,” Willow said. “If not this fight, then another one someday. Me doing magic, Xander learning to fight...it doesn’t sound like much now but you’re gonna need us. You can’t do it all alone. I won’t let you. I love you too much. If you told me to, y’know, just stay home? I’d follow you around.”

Buffy smiled, and nodded. Willow gently pulled away from her, and walked right up to Angel. And looked him in the eyes. Tears were streaming down his cheeks now.

“I’m afraid of you, Angel,” Willow said. “But I’m a little less afraid than I was. You took something from me and today I got some of it back. I’m still afraid of you, but someday, I know I won’t be afraid. What you did won’t be a part of me forever. I won’t let it.”

“Good,” Angel said.

“I know it wasn’t you, not really,” Willow said. “I know...you wouldn’t hurt us. But there’s a monster in you and it will always be there, Angel. And maybe you should kill yourself. Because yeah, tryin’ to be the big hero? If you had killed yourself instead Angelus would never have gotten out. The people you’ve saved, the monsters you’ve fought back, are they worth Jenny and those eighteen girls? Are they worth the next batch of people who are gonna die if Angelus gets out again? You died more than two centuries ago, Angel. This life you have, this life being the big hero? It isn’t yours. You stole it. You stole it from all the people you’ve murdered.”

She walked away from him, and noticed the book on the couch.

“The Scarlet Letter,” she said, and looked at him.

He looked back at her, and nodded.

“I’m gonna find Dru, Angel,” Willow said. “I’m gonna find her, and I’m gonna kill her. Not because of what she did to me. Because of what you did to her. I don’t want her to have live with that pain anymore. I’m gonna release her from it, so she can have some peace. If you try to stop me, I’ll kill you too.”

Her eyes were green, now. But when Angel looked into them, they were just as cold and hard as they had been when they were black...it was still like staring down the barrel of a gun.

“I’ll be at the car, Buffy,” Willow said, and left the room.

Buffy stood in the middle of the room, away from Angel, looking down at the floor, and hugging herself. She felt cold. Angel stood alone, looking at a spot on the wall.

Buffy was aware of the stake in her hand.

“How could you do this to me?” Buffy whispered.

“I don’t know,” Angel said.

“How could you do this?” she whispered, with tears in her eyes now.

Angel shook his head. He couldn’t look at her.

“Do you know how much I loved her?” Buffy said, still looking down at the floor. “Did you know she was the one I loved, before you, before Faith? That she was the one I wanted to spend my life with? Did you know that?”

Angel shook his head again.

“I loved her and you...you...” Buffy said, and started to cry.

“Buffy,” Angel whispered.

“Oh, God!” Buffy screamed, and started shaking her head back and forth. “Oh, no, oh God....oh no...oh no...”

She fell to her knees, and began to shake.

“You locked her in a closet!” Buffy screamed, as she cried. “You made her think she was locked up and, and, you hurt her. And...and you...you made her think you...you made her remember you...you...”

Buffy vomited on the floor.

And then she held her head in her hands, and cried...

“Buffy,” Angel whispered. He approached her.

She turned, and looked at him.

She was still crying. But her eyes were bright and hard as diamonds...

In all the time he’d known her, Angel had never seen her eyes like this.

“Buffy,” he whispered. “I’m...I’m...sorry.”

He reached out his hand, and touched her shoulder...

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Buffy screamed, and leaped up, and punched him in the face. He went flying across the room, and smashed into the far wall.

“DON’T EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME!” she shrieked, and leaped at him, covering the entire room with one bound. “DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!”

She tackled him before he could even begin to get up, and started raining down punches, pummeling his face, smashing his head into the floor over and over again.

Buffy was growling now.

“Do you know what you DID?” she snarled. “Do you know what you DID TO ME?!”

She roared, and grabbed him by the hair.

“I LOVED HER!” Buffy screamed in his face, showing him all her teeth as she did, and began pummeling him again. He tried to cover up, but he didn’t fight back. “I LOVED HER! How could you do that?! How could you do that to me?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!”

She grabbed him by the throat, digging her fingernails into his flesh and drawing blood, and stood up. She roared, as she flung him across the room like a frisbee. He went sailing through the air and smashed into the bookcase, shattering it and sending all the beautiful, fragile things on it clattering to the floor. Buffy ran at him, still roaring.

“YOU RAPED HER!” Buffy screamed, and picked up the statue of Aphrodite and swung it at him. It smashed into Angel’s face and sent him flying again. He bounced off the chandelier, dislodging it from the ceiling and sending it crashing into the floor. It made a pretty sound, like chimes.

Buffy leaped after Angel again, roaring and brandishing the statue of Aphrodite like a baseball bat.

Angel was on the floor, in the corner. His face was covered with blood now. Buffy stood above him, and looked at him with diamond eyes that pierced him, all the way down. She held the statue of Aphrodite above her head. “What ARE you?!” Buffy snarled. “What are you that you could DO THAT TO ME?!”

Buffy screamed, and smashed the statue of Aphrodite down on top of him. The statue exploded into pieces.

Angel’s nose was broken now. He was barely conscious.

Buffy growled, and showed him her teeth. She looked around for her stake. She saw it on the floor a few feet away, and picked it up.

Then she leaped on top of Angel with her stake in her hand, and pinned him to the floor by the neck.

Buffy thought she heard something behind her. She wasn’t sure what it was. Everything was a red haze now. All she could hear was herself, roaring...all she felt was her blood, pounding in her ears...and her tears, running down her cheeks...and her stake in her hand.

She roared in Angel’s face. Saliva dripped from her lips.

She heard something again. She ignored it.

She raised her stake, for the killing blow...

“Do it,” Angel whispered. His face looked like a piece of bloody meat.

Buffy held her stake above Angel’s heart. Her hand shook.

Everything suddenly came into focus. The whole room seemed to coalesce, around the stake in her hand. The red haze went away. The pounding in her ears subsided. Angel’s scent came to her. The scent of his blood came to her. She felt her energy spiking, when she smelled his blood. She growled again, louder.

He winced as she roared at him and raked his face with her fingernails, making a deep gash, taking a chunk out of it. She lunged at his neck, and nearly tore into it with her teeth. She stopped herself, at the last second.

But her stake remained exactly where it was, poised above his heart.

She looked down into his eyes. Her eyes penetrated his, and held them.

She growled at him, like a lion. Her saliva dripped down onto his face.

“Buffy!” she heard.

A new scent came to her. Strawberries.

A hand touched her shoulder. It was warm.

Buffy roared at Angel again. She lunged toward his neck again. She held her teeth an inch from Angel’s neck, growling and slavering at him. She wanted to feel his neck snap in her jaws, but she didn’t like the way he smelled. She focused on the strawberry smell instead. She liked that smell.

“Buffy. It’s me,” Willow whispered in her ear. “Come back to me, sweetie. Come back.”

Buffy turned, and saw Willow. Willow touched her hand, the one holding the stake. Buffy still held it above Angel’s heart.

Buffy was growling. Willow could see every one of her teeth. They looked hard and sharp. Saliva dripped from Buffy’s lips. Angel’s blood covered her fists; bits of his skin hung from the fingernails of her left hand. Buffy’s whole body was taut, like a lion ready to spring. Her eyes were two pinpoints of light, focused directly on Willow now.

Willow froze, when she looked in Buffy’s eyes. She wanted to hide herself, to cower on the floor and close her eyes and cover her face...she began to tremble.

Buffy could smell Willow’s fear. She didn’t like it. She didn’t like the way it changed Willow’s pretty strawberry scent. She didn’t want Willow to be afraid. She stopped growling.

Buffy tried to remember how to speak. She tried to remember the sounds she could make with her throat, the sounds that described that strawberry scent, and those green eyes, and those warm hands...

“Willow,” Buffy whispered.

Willow couldn’t look away from Buffy’s eyes. The light in them was bright as the sun and cold as ice and it pierced Willow like knives.

Willow had seen Buffy’s eyes like this only once before...when she saw them in Faith’s memories. The night the Slayer made love to her. But it in no way prepared her for the sight of them now...and so she trembled, and felt small, and wanted to hide herself.

“Willow,” Buffy whispered, and touched Willow’s hair, and caressed it.

Willow nodded.

Neither of them talked. Buffy caressed Willow’s hair, and held her stake above Angel’s heart.

After a moment, Willow stopped trembling.

Buffy caressed Willow’s hair. She took Willow’s hand, and kissed it.

After a moment, Willow tried to lower Buffy’s stake. Buffy growled at her, but quickly stopped herself. Willow pulled her hand back like she had just touched a hot stove.

“Vampire,” Buffy snarled.

“Buffy,” Willow whispered. “It’s me, sweetie. You...you remember me?”

“Willow,” Buffy said. It was Buffy’s voice, but it wasn’t. To Willow it sounded like a cold wind rustling through leaves at night...it sounded like stealthy footfalls in the tall grass...

Buffy heard the prey animal beneath her cough, and felt him move a little. She whirled around and roared in Angel’s face. He stopped moving.

Willow put her arms around Buffy, and kissed her cheek.

“Buffy,” Willow whispered in her ear. “Do you remember me? I need you, sweetie. I need you back now.”

Buffy turned around in Willow’s arms, so she could look at her. She caressed Willow’s hair again, with her free hand. The other hand still held the stake. It hadn’t moved an inch. It was still directly above Angel’s heart.

“Strawberries,” Buffy whispered.

“Yeah,” Willow said, and smiled. “That’s me. I’m the strawberry girl.”

“Willow,” Buffy whispered. “Strawberries.”

Willow smiled. Buffy caressed her hair. They looked in each other’s eyes.

Buffy’s eyes were ancient. They were the eyes of some primeval predator, who had survived this long because she was the strongest...

Willow looked into Buffy’s eyes, and remembered Buffy holding her in her arms in the motel room, after they’d made love; holding her and giving her gentle kisses, and telling her she would always take care of her. Buffy had looked down at her, with eyes just like these, when she said those things, and held her tight, and kept her warm.

Willow wasn’t afraid of Buffy’s eyes now.

“I need you to be my strong girl now, Buffy,” Willow said. “I need you to be my strong girl, and come back to me. Can you do that for me, honey?”

Buffy leaned her head against Willow’s shoulder. There were other words now...she felt like she was dredging them up, from some deep, dark place... bringing the words up into the light. There was Willow...there was strawberries...

“Love,” Buffy whispered. “Love Willow.”

“I love you too,” Willow said. “We all do. And we need you back, Buffy.”

“Faith,” Buffy whispered.

“She’s in the car, remember?” Willow said. “We have to get her home.”

“My baby,” Buffy whispered. “Needs me.”

Buffy held her head in her hand.

“We gotta get her home,” Willow said.

Buffy nodded.

“My baby,” Buffy whispered.

Buffy looked up. She looked around the room. She looked back at Angel.

She looked at her stake.

“We need him, Buffy,” Willow said. “Remember?”

“Vampire,” Buffy snarled, looking down at Angel.

“Remember those new vampires?” Willow said. “How there were more than a hundred of them? Remember how they want to release the Four Horsemen? We need Angel. We need his help.”

“Dead thing,” Buffy said, and turned, and looked down into Angel’s eyes. “Prey. Kill.”

“We need him, Buffy,” Willow said.

Buffy looked down at Angel. He looked up at her. Buffy felt Willow’s arms around her. She smelled her scent. She held her stake above Angel’s heart.

“Angel,” Buffy whispered.

Buffy’s hand started to shake again, as she held the stake. She was quiet.

Her eyes didn’t leave his. A moment passed, and then another...

Buffy’s senses reached out.

She was aware of everything around her...of the room. Of the feel of her stake in her hand. Willow smelled like strawberries. She’d always loved Willow’s scent...

Angel’s scent came to her. Rotten meat.

His eyes had a light in them...they were beautiful. His nose was broken, and his face was bruised and bloody, and there was a deep gash running across it. She had hurt him.

And then, Buffy’s senses reached in...

And she was aware of herself. She was aware of every part of herself, as if she was just now discovering herself...

She knew she was the Slayer. But she was more than just the Slayer...

She was aware of the girl she had been, before the Slayer had become part of her...Buffy Summers. But she knew she was more than her, too.

She knew now that she was more than she had ever suspected. She felt the Slayer in herself, and she felt the girl too...but neither of them seemed like her, now. She knew she wasn’t either of them.

She knew she could be more powerful than either of them were alone. But in order to do it, she knew the Slayer needed to let go. And the girl needed to let go, too.

They needed to stop fighting each other. They needed to accept each other.

Buffy saw the girl, the girl she had been, standing alone, in a dark place. That place was hot and lush and vivid; everything seemed magnified there, everything felt deeper. There were eyes, diamond eyes so bright they burned her, staring at her from the darkness; the eyes were all she could see. But she could hear screams, and snarls, and beautiful moans emanating from the darkness in that place, and all of the smells were sweet: the place smelled like blood, and sex, and fear, and prey. Buffy knew the girl didn’t understand that place; the girl didn’t understand how to move in the dark, how to hunt, and the smells and the sounds scared her...

Buffy knew the Slayer understood that place. Buffy saw the Slayer, staring back at the girl out of the darkness, with eyes like diamonds, and not a trace of humanity...the Slayer belonged in that place. But the girl was afraid of that place, and afraid of the Slayer.

The Slayer was afraid too. Afraid to trust...afraid she’d be locked away...

Buffy didn’t want them to be afraid. She loved them; she loved them both.

Buffy knew what she had to do.

She walked into the dark place. She saw the girl, and the Slayer, standing alone, separate.

She took their hands in hers...

And she remembered something. Something that had been kept from her...

She got it back.

Tears came into her eyes. She felt warm. She felt her soul, inside her; she felt joy.

She looked down at Angel. She didn’t like the way he smelled. Part of her had always wanted to kill him. Part of her had always loved him.

But there were no more parts of her, now. There was just her. There was just Buffy. Buffy Summers: the Slayer. They were the same thing now.

She looked down at Angel. Her eyes weren’t diamonds anymore. But they still pierced him.

“You’re a vampire,” Buffy said. “A monster. That’s why you could do that to me. You’re a monster. I should have killed you the day we first met. I wanted to. Got no fucking idea why I didn’t.”

“We need his help, Buffy,” Willow said.

Buffy nodded. She lowered her stake.

She turned, and kissed Willow’s forehead. Then she stood up, and helped Willow to stand with her. Angel sat up, on the floor. He looked dazed. There were tears running down his cheeks.

“You’re not gonna die, Angel,” Buffy said. “You’re gonna live. You’re gonna live with what you did to Willow. You’re gonna live with what you did to Dru. And you’re gonna live with what you did to me.”

Angel nodded.

“Angel, are you...all right?” Willow said.

“I’ll...be okay,” Angel whispered, and coughed, and tried to stand. He nearly fell. Willow caught him, and steadied him.

“Thank you,” Angel whispered.

Buffy stepped between Willow and Angel. She kept Willow behind her.

She looked at Angel. He looked back.

She wanted to kill him.

But then, she wanted to go to him...she wanted to take him in her arms and tell him she would take care of him, that she would make everything okay...

She didn’t.

“Will you help?” Buffy said.

“Yeah,” Angel said. “Do you...want me at the house?”

“Don’t come until tomorrow night,” Buffy said. “I need to explain to Faith about you first. She doesn’t...doesn’t know anything about any of this.”

“Okay,” Angel said.

They stood there. Buffy looked down at the statue of Aphrodite, in pieces. She remembered lying naked with Angel, on the couch, and looking up at that statue, as she told him she loved him...

But that was another life...the girl’s life. Before she accepted who she was.

Buffy looked into Angel’s eyes. They were dark, and still beautiful.

“When this is over I want you gone,” Buffy said.

Then she turned away from him, and tears streamed down her cheeks.

Willow hugged her.

Buffy cried, silently. She didn’t want Angel to see.

“C’mon, sweetie,” Willow said. “Let’s get Faith home.”

Buffy nodded, and held onto Willow, and they walked out of the room together, without a backward glance.

Angel watched them go.

He listened, as their footsteps echoed down the cold stone hallway for awhile...

And then they were gone...

And he was alone.